my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
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Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
We have a winner.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto