My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
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Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.