My stupid belt shrunk again today.
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Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here