My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
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Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Mhm.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.