My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
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How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
6: are snakes just neck?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.