My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
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You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Sharon I have some bad news
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Reporter: *ports again*
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy