My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
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Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Breakfast for Stoners:
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*