hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
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Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
@funTweeters
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?