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@josh___grant: My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
@PunLovinLad: The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
@TheNardvark: "Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?"
@mdob11: Boss: Why weren't you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
@Book_Krazy: I bet the kids who TP'd my yard last night and didn't know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
@jwoodham: Whenever you're mad at someone, just take a deep breath and count to 10. Those 10 seconds will give you time to think of the perfect insult.