@josh___grant: My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
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@NicestHippo: Mr. Jones, did you or did you not have an affair with the victim, Diana? "No!" Oh really. And what's your first name? "Indiana" [jury gasps]
@BrettDruck: They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
@patnspankme: (during sex) Me: Is that good? Her: Real good, baby. Her mom: Good af. Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us? Her: I dunno. Mom? Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.