My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
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Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
God making man in his image was the original selfie
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.