My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
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Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
This is the coolest video you will see today.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
the Monday after daylight savings
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?