I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
You Might Also Like
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
A double negative is a big no-no.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok