*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
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[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
grotesque if literal: baby food
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”