My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
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Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open