If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
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I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Going to church you guys need anything
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack