My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
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Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.