My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
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Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
#winning
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”