Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
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You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
I have many caverns
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.