My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
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Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming