My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
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Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
guys i’ve cracked the code
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally