@Steelers1972: My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
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@OLDIRTYDIAPER: Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you're a parent: -showers -sitting down to eat -drinking coffee while it's hot -pooping
@Vodkantots: If he doesn't return your texts, it's because he's busy leaving his wife for you. Obviously.
@tartadepollo: I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
@david8hughes: "HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!" "Has it got ears?" "YEAH." "Tail?" "YEAH." "Is it the dog?" "I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF--AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!"