My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
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My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
u spoke cat all this time??????
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.