My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
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Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
I’m confused about plants
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]