My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
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While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water