My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
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[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Morning.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Wake me when AI does housework
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
meanwhile over on facebook
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.