finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
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Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
You sure about that?
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Born to be mild.