I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
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BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight