Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
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Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.