how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
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HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies