4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
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My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Brands during Pride
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”