Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
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I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.