My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
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i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
what could possibly go wrong?
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”