@patnelke: My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
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@TEXASVETERAN: I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
@bdbdleeroybrown: My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
@KenJennings: I bet a lot of people have tried that "See you next year!" joke at the end of December but got proven wrong by dying in a DUI.