@patnelke: My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
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@Sean_Burgundy_: I'd probably have more friends if I didn't answer every call with "Why did you save my number?"
@Tommytoughstuff: [getting an x-ray] TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest. ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
@QwertyJones3: [gynecologist making small talk during an exam] DOCTOR: So you're in the military? HER: Yes DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix