My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
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If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.