My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
You Might Also Like
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
My dog learned how to text
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on