My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
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American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
We need to put an American base on the sun
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.