My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
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I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.