Horrifying if literal: arm candy
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Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
how much does a mortician urn in a year
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
getting groceries