the pigeons are already plenty salty
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Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
#Caturday
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest