@WilliamAder: My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
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@murrman5: [having daughter's new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner] so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
@sucittaM: Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
@Angibangie: GOD: How many animals left to make? ANGEL: 2 G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left? A: 1 Flying Squirrel: Dibs! Penguin: WHAT
@DvuslyMarvelous: Reached out to my 8th grade girlfriend and made a new pact, if we’re both still married when we are 50, we’re going to push each other off a bridge.