My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
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I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I’m having an out of money experience.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”