My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
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Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
🤣🤣🤣
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?