@funnweaver: My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
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@Cravin4: Me: I don't think Grinding Dory is appropriate for the kids. Wife: I said FINDING DORY & we need to discuss your internet usage.
@cerebralbeef: The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that's obviously not working.
@murrman5: [wife calls] did you write "make all the traps from home alone" on the calendar [me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] "no"