My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
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You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
🖤✌🏽
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME