With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
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my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law