The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
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Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them