@thenatewolf: My targeted ads keep trying to sell me a new mattress. Come on, Google. Stop pretending like you don’t know exactly how much I have in the bank right now. Send me an ad for $5 footlongs or bulk rice or something.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@SondraDeeMe: I'm sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
@ObscureGent: Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
@jackiembouvier: My son "popped his collar" so I'm dropping him off a block from school so no one sees me.
@HockeyTornado: Spiderman is just another guy who ends up with sticky hands and covered in white stuff after being on the web.