Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
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I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
My teenage children choosing violence
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Has there ever been a more American story?
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.