@thenatewolf: My targeted ads keep trying to sell me a new mattress. Come on, Google. Stop pretending like you don’t know exactly how much I have in the bank right now. Send me an ad for $5 footlongs or bulk rice or something.
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@ElleOhHell: HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar* BARTENDER: Why the long fa-- HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
@canadasandra: [toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] "garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me - the sauce of one apple."
@ThugRaccoons: Me: *delivering breakfast in bed* Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise! Me: Would you say it was uneggspected? Wife: Me: Omelette you eat now