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Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.