My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
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The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
whatcha thinkin bout
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
It be like that sometimes 😆
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]