My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
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[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
My diet starts in January
of 2027
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
[canadians at you, canadianly]
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.