My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
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Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
me after drinking all the wine:
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
dogs can find happiness so easily
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?