@NoFucksWereGave: My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, "There's an idiot at the end of this ruler!" I got detention after asking which end.
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@GreGooglyMoogly: *brings a super-magnet to a knife fight* *discovers that stainless steel is not magnetic*
@abbycohenwl: Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is? T: No-[sees it's almost 3 pm] Magic
@joshgondelman: "At least you're going to get a lot of material out of this," is comedian-speak for, "Sorry about your life, dude."