My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
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It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
#ParentingFacts
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.