My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
You Might Also Like
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
real
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda