My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
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[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.